The Lawyer's Predicament!

“Will you all please be quiet and give me a minute to think about it??” Nair raised his voice above the din and commotion surrounding him. Miraculously everyone fell quiet.

He shook his head in frustration.

When he had woken up today, the only issue he had in his life was to oversee to an amicable divorce settlement between his client and her husband. And what a ‘settlement’ it had turned out to be!

As a divorce-lawyer, he often came across strange specimens among couple. But the current couple had been the icing on the cake. To start with, it had been a long drawn-out battle of wills and ego. Each of them had harassed the other over dates without sparing a thought for their respective lawyers. And today, finally after eight long months, they both had come face to face for a settlement, only to realize that neither of them wanted to divorce the other and had decided to give their relationship another chance. So long for all the trouble their lawyers went through! It was a sheer testimony to the lawyers’ frustration when the husband’s lawyer and Nair’s rival, Mr.Joseph had folded his hands before Nair respectfully and in apology and marched off after threatening the husband to never contact him again.

As for Nair, he had simply decided to take the day off and had visited the temple near the colony where he lived. There, he had released the longest rant of his life before the deity. He had cursed marriages, he had bad-mouthed couples, he had given a sound verbal bashing to the whole concept of divorce and he had severely humiliated all the lawyers in existence. Then, finally feeling relieved, he had said just one thing to the deity. – ‘You know what would have been preferable to me? If I had the power to understand animals and could act as a lawyer for them! That would be a lot easier than handling humans!’

Little did he know that the deity had taken his rant to heart!

No sooner did he step outside the temple, he came across a cat walking purposefully towards him. The cat had halted before him and had let out a series of ‘meows’. If that was not strange, what happened next gave him a brain-freeze.

“You want me to do what?” He had asked the cat first and then had stood in stunned silence. He had actually understood what the cat was trying to tell him!

The cat again mewed. Nair shook his head. “No. I am a divorce-lawyer for humans. I cannot solve your issue with the pigeons!” And then as if he had realized something, he had exclaimed – “But why am I having this conversation with you!?”

The cat had shrugged. It had actually shrugged. Then it caught hold of his trouser and tried to drag him.

“All right, sheesh, I am coming!” Nair had exclaimed and he had followed the cat to a lane where he had come face-to-face with an epic stand-off.

On one side of the lane were cats, all sitting on their front legs and purring low warnings to the pigeons who were on the opposite side, each bird fluttering its wings threateningly.

The cat which had brought Nair there looked up at him and mewed. Nair nodded his head slowly and said. “Yes, I am looking at it. You were right.”

And that is how Nair had found himself standing in the middle of the lane between the two opposing armies – the Cool Cats on one side (his friend, the cat who had brought him there, had revealed the name of its gang) and the Pigeons’ Pride on the other side (the leader of the pigeons had informed him the name of the gang).

Now after his outburst, both the armies were sitting eerily still and looking at him, seeking justice for them.

“So, Cool Cats, from what I understood, you have been living in this lane since many years and object to the Pigeons’ Pride dirtying it with their droppings.” He told the cats who purred their agreement. He turned towards the pigeons. “You are saying that a family living on this building…” he gestured towards the building on the side of the pigeons “offers cereals and pulses to you by dropping them from the window and this has turned into your eating zone.” The pigeons cooed their approval. One of the pigeons stepped ahead and cooed some more.

“Of course, of course.” Nair nodded in understanding. “You cannot help it, excretion is a natural process. Now, if she…” Nair gestured to the leader of the cats but got interrupted when the leader hissed and mewed something.

“Pardon me?” Nair asked in total stupefaction. The cat purred again.

Nair nodded slowly. “You do not want to encourage gender-discrimination by identifying yourself with any gender and want to be addressed as ‘they/them'. I get it. Perfectly in sync with the current trends.” He raised a trembling finger. “I just need a moment to myself.” He walked out of the lane, whistling casually and when he reached the corner, he looked up at the sky in despair. “I am a lawyer, for God’s sake! How did it come to this!?” He ran a hand over his hair and took several deep breaths. Then, feeling a bit normal, he turned and walked again towards the armies, each of which was looking at him patiently and steadfastly. It amused him thoroughly, the attention that they all had fixed on him.

“Okay, how about you find some other place for yourselves?” He said to the pigeons. “After all, the cats have been here much before you.”

The leader of the pigeon fluttered his wings and cooed.

Nair shook his head. “It is indeed sad that not many feed you now-a-days. How about moving out of the city and heading towards greener… I mean, better grounds for eating?”

The leader of the pigeons fluttered his wings wildly and cooed.

Nair’s jaw dropped. “Well, Sir, please mind your language!” He shook his head still in shock. “I will have to clean my ears with soap for listening to that. Not even humans say this about anyone! Do not forget it is after all your excretory organ that is causing the entire issue!”

For few minutes, silence reigned. Then Nair had a brainwave.

“Got it!” He turned towards the pigeons. “How about you collect the grains one by one but eat it at some other place?”

The leader of the cats mewed.

“Aha, is it? I do not think anyone will mind if the pigeons camp near the statue of the local political leader. As it is, he is a rascal. It would serve his ego right. Getting a statue made when he is still alive and without doing any single thing for the community!” He turned hopefully towards the pigeons. “What say, Pride? Do you agree?”

The pigeons had a small conference among themselves. Then the leader cooed to Nair.

“Then that is solved!” He said happily. But his happiness did not last long. The leader of the pigeon fluttered his wings and cooed fiercely.

“What?!” Nair turned towards the cats in shock. “Is it true?” He ran his gaze over all the cats. One of them raised its paw and licked it casually. “Aha! You are the one! How is it even possible?” Nair shook his head in dismay. “You have a crush on one of the pigeons and are stalking her??”

The cat had the galls to shrug.

That shrug was Nair’s undoing. “Cats do not shrug! Cats do not have crushes on pigeons! It is wrong on so many levels, I cannot even imagine!” He looked around in disbelief. “This is not normal, God! Nothing about this is sane or rational!”

The leader of the pigeon was about to coo but Nair raised a trembling finger. “No! I have reached my breaking point for the day! Not another coo or meow!!” He looked towards the sky and cried out. "I take back what I said. I will take upon humans any time instead of these... these..." He sputtered in anger. "Cats crushing on pigeons?? Shrugging?? Please call back this power, God! I have learnt my lesson and how!"

Nair stormed out of the lane. As he walked, he felt a change come over him. He felt free. On an impulse he went back to the lane where only the cats were loitering now.

“Say something.” He told one of the cats. The cat hissed at him and walked away.

“It is gone! I did not understand anything!” Nair shouted happily and ran out of the lane.

At night, as he lay on his bed, he thought about the strange day he had had. The image of the shrugging cat came to his mind. He shuddered. To divert his attention, he thought about the next case he was about to handle. This time he was representing the husband in the divorce. It had seemed a very simple issue at first. The guy wanted a restraining order for his wife. What complicated the case was the wife too had filed for a restraining order for the guy.

Really, humans were all right. A bit crazy, but they were okay.